“There is nothing to fix but there are many things to honor”

There is nothing to fix but there are many things to honor.” My colleague Francesca Mason Boring wrote these words describing her approach to the Family Constellation work. I have been reflecting upon this statement and to me it synthesizes the message that Bert Hellinger gave us in the following words:

The simplest and deepest ways of acting are in the family, from the father to the mother in relation to the children, and from the children in relation  to their parents. These are the greatest and deepest actions, and are the basis for all others.


A person who is in harmony with his fatherhood, or her motherhood, or partnership, childhood, brotherhood, or sisterhood is one who brings his or herself to completion.


In these simple acts an individual can be fulfilled. In such acts, there is a sense of being in quiet harmony with something great.”


Many of us come to the Family Constellation workshops in search of a solution to a problem, something that doesn’t work and needs to be fixed. Ofte, we see that the problem is not in the system, but in our view of the system. We don’t agree, are not at peace, think we know better, or feel we were shortchanged by life. What is our feeling when we hold these thoughts? We become restless, agitated, trying to change someone or something that has occurred. Is this possible?

In my own life, I have slowly come to appreciate, to value, the adversities and challenges that I have experienced. the anger and rebellion against my parents has abated and is replaced by gratitude for that which has helped to clarify and strengthen my essence and expression in this lifetime. My attitude towards my unique set of challenges and seeming obstructions has provided the canvas on which I paint the picture of my life. If you don’t like the image your painting depicts, it’s in your hands to change the painting or the perspective from which you view it.

As the oyster creates an often flawed and yet perfect pearl from the irritant that has entered its shell, the irritants in my family and history have created this PEARL.

When I can agree to my life, as it was, exactly as it was, to my parents, exactly as they were, I am filled with peace, serenity and love. It all makes sense and I can move ahead in my life with gratitude. When life hands you lemons, why not make lemonade!

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